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| 12:52pm 11/03/2008 |
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I'm surprisingly ok with not speaking to Tom. I think maybe because this time I made the decision not to talk to him and not the other way around. I thought it would bother me more than it is. Instead I just feel relieved. I wish him well and I hope he finds whatever it is he's looking for, but I can't help him anymore so I'll just bow out and take my cue to leave the spotlight.
In other news: I'm learning to trust much more than I thought I was capable of. I'm testing myself with this whole long distance thing. I'm not asking the questions I want to ask, I'm being much more honest than I think I normally am. And he's handling everything incredibly well. He's handling me better than I handle me most of the time. He's teaching me things without me even realizing I'm being taught until the lesson is over. Its challenging and makes me feel incredibly alive. An excerpt:
So this is what scares the shit outta me:
we're interracial, we have a language barrier(well I do with your parents), I'm
scared your parents won't like me, I don't know anything about your childhood, I
don't know where you live, you have never been in a serious relationship and I'm
afraid you won't wanna be in one with me or afraid you won't like it and in turn
won't like me, I'm scared that your so far away and that you'll find some
gorgeous Spanish girl, or worse some gorgeous Marist girl and not want me when
you get home, I'm afraid I won't live up to what you think I am, I'm afraid of
how to tell my parents about you- "hey parents i've been kinda talking to this
guy who was in spain all semester, can i go to his house for the weekend?",I'm
afraid of how vulnerable you make me feel,I'm afraid that you don't really wanna
be in a relationship, that neither of us is really ready for it and we'll
somehow ruin it by pushing for a relationship, I'm afraid of if TKE ppl will
like me and if they don't that you'll choose them over me, I'm afraid that I'm
too attached, I'm afraid that I have no control over this, I'm afraid I'll nag one too many times and you'll never talk to me again, I'm afraid of how much none of this really scares me.
This is why I'm not scared:
I know you like me (maybe even as much as I like you), I know we'll get past the
language barrier, I know my parents will love you, my sisters already like you
and think you're a better fit for me than Tom was, I know that as much as I'm
scared and you're scared we both want this to work, you make me feel vulnerable
and scared and normal and alive, you take incredibly good care of me even though
you don't need to, you have such a compassionate heart, I know that you're gonna
work as hard as I am to make this work no matter how scary it is, you make me
fight for you and I love that, you don't put up with my bullshit and you don't
always let me win, you know all my dirty secrets (ones I kept from Tom, and lots
of other people I'm close to) and all my weird quirky things and for some reason
you're still interested, you don't talk everything out you show it, you are so
easy to talk to about everything- most guys wouldn't deal with listening to all
my stupid stories about my ex of 3years and not only do you still listen to em,
you listened right at the beginning when they were even more frequent and more
emotional and you listened and gave advice and were genuinely concerned, I can't
even pinpoint exactly why I'm willing to deal with all this scariness and the
distance and everything, but I am, I'm actually excited to see where this goes-
I'm actually not scared at all. |
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| i hate facebook |
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| 06:20pm 10/02/2008 |
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its going to be the death of me, looking through pictures trying to determine if he likes her, how much he likes her, does she like him back. Why do I even care? |
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| would have been |
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| 04:53pm 23/12/2007 |
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Today would have been 3 years with Tom. All I've been thinking about is our relationship all day, I didn't realize it would be this difficult to get through today. Everything I'm thinking of has been a good memory, and there's a lot of them. I needed to reflect and I was torn if I should talk to him today, I decided to text him and just let him know that I'm thinking of him and hoping he's doing okay. I'm sure he won't respond but that's fine. As long as he knows I genuinely miss him and wish him well. |
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| childish |
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| 04:01pm 19/11/2007 |
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I'm sorry no one should control your every thought- no one. I don't buy all this bullshit. Get over yourself, get over me, I'm not that great, I never was. Being a baby about everything and bitching and pretending to be pissed at me and the dumb away messages to get my attention, you're better than that. I know that, I just wish you did. |
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| MRSA |
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| 07:11pm 06/11/2007 |
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I love how you have this and don't care. I love how you say "death is a natural part of life" I love you much you love to worry me and make me cry. Why don't you just go get tested to make sure its gone? Its all over the news, I know you're scared, I know you are just trying to be brave and pretend nothings wrong. I need you to be ok, I need you to keep fighting with me and keep believing that we're gonna get through this. I need to keep loving you and I need you in my life. I'm not done yet, and you aren't either. |
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| 06:42pm 31/10/2007 |
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ok well since my last post i've had a breakdown and rebuilding. Tom and I talked for the 1st time, face to face since we broke up. It was awkard at first until I made myself very clear in my intentions, then we were able to move on. We're going to try to be friends, I don't know how well it will work, but I know I'm ready to be his friend if he's ready to be mine and I'm definately not ready, nor do I think I ever will be, to completely shut him out of my life. I think this is a good thing. |
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| a father knows best |
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| 11:47pm 14/10/2007 |
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today my dad told me how he really felt about my decision in the whole Tom situation, I'm so glad one of my parents is on my side. My dad has been kinda silent on the whole thing and my mom has been very vocally against the whole decision. It was so nice to spend a weekend just watching football with my dad and not having to talk about Tom. Until I brought it up and apologized for not calling home b/c whenever I call home Mom makes me feel horrible for doing what I did and then I feel bad b/c I don't feel I made a bad decision. My Dad told me how proud of me he was, how hard it must have been for me to do that. The incredible amount of strength it must have taken to go trhough with a decision I knew I had to make. He told me that he's proud of me for looking out for myself for once b/c I am usually so selfless and he knew I must have been torturing myself and just deciding if it would be better to try and be in a relationship I wasn't really happy in simply to make Tom happy, which of course I was doing. He basically reassured me in everything my mother told me I made a mistake in. He understood my thought process completely and it was just so refreshing to have someone understand my side of it for once. Yes, its hard to be broken up with, but does anyone ever think about how hard it is to break up with someone, especially someone who you still love, someone who you've loved for years but who you know will be better off with someone else. Someone who you only wish happiness for and you end up hurting them probably more than anyone else has. Its a totally shit feeling, but its also something that you know you have to do, so you're torn between your happiness and theirs, and for once in my life I chose my happiness and I'm incredibly proud of myself. No one else sees it that way, but I am happy. I know I did the right thing, I know that this was a good decision and I know that in time Tom will come to see that it was the best decision as well, that we are different people, we want different things in life and we are both going to be better off with someone more compatible for us. It's a hard realization to come to, and I hope that someday he understands that the decision I made was purely out of love, that I did what I did to protect him from getting even more hurt in the future. I know at least one other person understands that because my dad said, "I know you only did what you did out of love, everyone knew how much you loved him"
Thanks dad. |
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| why can't i shake this? |
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| 03:50pm 12/10/2007 |
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why does this feel like vacation more that real life? Why can't I get you out of my head? I keep trying to move on, get over it, get my life back, but I can't help sneaking thoughts of you, tucking them away in a hidden corner of my mind until they pop up again. Everything reminds me of you.
i really need to move on, to accept that this is reality, this is what I wanted, what I needed. But something keeps creeping up on me. |
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| mantra to my life |
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| 11:33pm 01/10/2007 |
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Change;
we don't like it,
we fear it,
but we can't stop it from coming.
We either adapt to change or we get left behind,
and it hurts to grow,
and anybody who tells you it doesn't is lying.
But here's the truth;
the more things change, the more they stay the same,
and sometimes, sometimes...change is good.
Sometimes, change is everything... |
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| 04:20pm 12/09/2007 |
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i really wish I were different and I understood who I was better. I wish I was ready. I wish alot of things, I'm so sorry, but I just need some time... |
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| 01:20am 28/01/2006 |
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be_imaginative's journal
